Let It Out
by michelleklainequeen
Summary: Reaction fic to Goodbye. I needed to get all my feelings out because I was upset about the whole Kurt not getting into NYADA thing. Kurt's POV. Oneshot.


**A/N: **_I know I should be working on the next chapter of The Statistical Probability of Love at First sight but I've been really busy and I really appreciate you're patience. Anyway, this came to me one day during a boring lesson of media. It's a (late) reaction fic to Goodbye and Kurt's NYADA letter. Enjoy!_

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I don't know why I even thought I had a chance. I mean, what was I _thinking_? Of course I didn't stand a chance against _her. _She's fabulous and one in a million… no, _billion._ She always gets what she wants because she's willing to fight for it. She got the guy, she won prom queen without getting humiliated, she's the reason we won nationals and she got into her dream school. _My _dream school.

And the worst part of all of this is that I really thought I had a chance. I had taken the risk with _The Boy Next Door _and I had nailed it. Even Carmen Tibideaux, the _Dean _of NYADA, had said that I made the right choice, hadn't she? I had _nailed _my audition.

Then there's Rachel; poor little Rachel who everyone felt so bad for because she choked at her audition. We all comforted her and put up with her moping for a week or whatever it was and then Tina decides she's on Team Rachel and takes her down to see Carmen Tibideaux to see if she can get another audition, even though that's completely unfair. Then she comes home after being rejected again a mopes around some more.

When I found out that there was a chance that Ms. Tibideaux was going to be at Nationals I have to admit that I felt a little uneasy. I mean, I'd already performed in front of her once and that was nerve racking enough. Also, I felt a pang of… I'm not sure what it was, anger maybe, at Rachel for continuing to pester Ms. Tibideaux about her audition. Everyone gets one shot and one shot only, that's only fair, isn't it? I pushed those feelings aside because Rachel's one of my closest friends and, to be honest, I didn't think that Ms. Tibideaux would show up at all.

When I saw her sitting in the audience that night, my stomach seemed to fill with hot, angry nerves which I had to push away once more as I forced a happy, supportive smile when Rachel bounded off the stage. I calmly thought to myself, _it's okay, it's fine, she's probably just here to check out some of her potential students that actually did well in their auditions. She's _not _here for Rachel. She _can't _be._

For the next few weeks I temporarily forgot about the whole situation, what with graduation and school work and Blaine who was doing a _very _good job at keeping me distracted. I had been kind of worried about moving to New York and leaving Blaine in Lima but I knew we'd be okay so I just made the most of my time that I had left with him at McKinley. I spent a lot of time with the rest of the glee club as well, cherishing the days I had left at McKinley. I signed a few yearbooks, hugged a few admirers and sang some goodbye songs to the people I loved. I was on top of the world until the letters came.

That day is a day I will remember forever. I felt so nervous and a little sick to my stomach but there was a sliver of hope somewhere deep down inside of me. Blaine had a class and said he didn't mind if I opened it without him. Looking back now I really wish he could've been there to hold my hand. When Finn opened his and said he didn't get in I started to get more anxious and less hopeful. As my shaking hands opened the letter I honestly thought I was going to be sick and I had to take a few deep breaths. As I looked down at the piece of paper and saw the words 'Dear Mr. Kurt Hummel, we are sorry to inform you…' I knew I didn't have to read on, I didn't have the strength to. I didn't get in. I didn't get in. _I didn't get in. _

I must've said these words out loud at some point, though I don't remember when, because Rachel was walking over to me and saying something. Finn put his arm around me and told Rachel it was her turn. I was past the point of caring and I thought that if _I _hadn't got in then there was _no _way Rachel was going to… Right?

"I got in."

What? No. No. _No. _How? I looked over to her frowning slightly in confusion. Had I heard her wrong? Had she misread her letter? No, she was smiling… well kind of. I stared at her in shock for a moment, I think I congratulated her and then I told them I had to go and I left as quickly as I could. I'm not sure if they tried to stop me or if they said anything, I was completely numb and I had one thing on my mind… well, two really. First, I had to find Blaine, I _needed _to find him, and second, how was I going to tell my dad that I didn't get in?

I rounded a corner quickly and ran headfirst into… Blaine. Thank God.

"Kurt! Hey, what are yo- oh my God are you okay?" He asked suddenly as I wrapped my arms around his neck, letter still clasped in my hand, "What's wrong? You're shaking!"

I buried my face in his neck and took a deep, shuddering breath before I pulled away and handed him my letter. He took it from me and read through a couple of times, his eyebrows knitted together in confusion. He looked up at me and frowned before he gave me a sad little smile and pulled me in his arms.

"I'm so sorry, Kurt," he whispered as I tried not to cry.

We stayed like that for a moment before he pulled away and held my hands in his. I stared down at the ground for a moment before he put his fingers under my chin and made my eyes meet his.

"They don't know what they're missing," he said quietly and I gave him a small, real smile.

That's the thing about Blaine; he always knows what to say or what not to say when I'm upset. He always makes me smile even when I'm feeling down and his arms feel like home. After I told him about the letter e decided that we both needed the afternoon off. I tried to protest but he wouldn't take no for an answer. That's another thing about Blaine; he can be incredibly stubborn which drives me crazy at times but it's also one of the things that I love about him.

We spent the rest of the day curled up together on the couch watching stupid, cheesy movies at my house, which was exactly what I needed. We didn't talk much, we didn't need to, I just needed to know he was there. That was enough for me. He didn't ask me about Finn or Rachel, he didn't ask what my plans were now and he didn't pester me for details, he just let held me, stroked my arm or leg occasionally and made sure I was comfortable which I was very grateful for. I wasn't ready to talk about it or anything yet and Blaine understood that.

I must've fallen asleep at one point because the next thing I remember was Blaine gently shaking me awake to tell me my dad was home. I looked up at him with wide eyes as I started to panic a little.

"Hey, hey, it's okay," Blaine said soothingly as I sat up, "Do you want me to stay with you?"

I nodded quickly and he held onto my hand as the front door opened. I knew that telling my dad that I didn't get into NYADA was going to be hard because he had always believed in me and he had been so proud of me when I found out I was a finalist. I took a deep breath as Blaine gently squeezed my hand.

"Hi dad," I said softly, surprised at how steady my voice sounded.

"Hey buddy," He smiled over at us as he closed the door, "Hey Blaine. How was school?"

"Uh… well, we came home early today," I said as my dad gave me a confused look, "Because I, uh, I got my N-"

Oh crap, I couldn't even say NYADA without my throat getting tight. Blaine squeezed my hand again and picked up a piece of paper off the coffee table. My letter. I smiled at him weakly as I took the letter and held it out to my dad.

"My… NYADA letter came," I managed quietly as my dad walked over to us.

I'm pretty sure my dad already knew what was written on it by my expression, but he still took the letter from me and read through it. He frowned down at it, turned to me and put a strong, comforting hand on my shoulder.

"I'm sorry kiddo," he said sympathetically, "But it's their loss."

I smiled sadly up at him and gave him a small nod. My dad patted my shoulder sympathetically, asked me if I needed anything and went off to call Carole. I sighed as I settled back on the couch next to Blaine who kissed me on my forehead.

"Thank you," I whispered, "For being here and everything."

My dad and Carole went out that night for an important dinner with some politicians and they wouldn't be back until tomorrow and Finn still hadn't come home which wasn't surprising so Blaine and I had the house to ourselves. He called his parents and asked if he could stay over and they reluctantly agreed after he explained what had happened. Blaine dropped down onto the couch next to me again and sighed.

"That was fun," he said sarcastically as he bumped my shoulder lightly with his.

"Rachel got in," I said suddenly.

I'm not sure why I picked _that _exact moment to tell him that, it sort of just came out. I felt him stiffen slightly beside me as I continued to look straight ahead.

"Wait- what?" He asked, clearly confused and a little surprised at my words, "Rachel-"

"Rachel got in," I repeated turning my head to look at him.

He looked like he was trying to work out a really difficult math problem or trying to work out one of Brittany's latest theories of life. He glanced up at me and I nodded sadly. His expression was changing now and he was starting to look a mix between angry and upset.

"I don't understand how that's possible," He said, his voice shaking slightly, "She _choked_ at her audition and you _nailed _it. Wh-How did she get in… and you didn't?"

"Blaine, it's f-"

"No! It's not fine, Kurt!" He said as he stood up suddenly, "You were _so _much better than her! This is completely unfair."

"Blaine, calm down!" I said as I stood up and gripped his shoulders so he had to look at me, "It's done, okay? Nothing we can do about it now."

"How are you so calm about this?" He asked, lowering his voice, "If that were me I-I'd…"

He stopped short and pulled me in his arms again. I hugged him back and we just stood there for a while, I don't know how long, until we both decided it was time for bed. It was still fairly early but I felt exhausted and I just needed to rest. I still hadn't cried about this whole situation yet and I was starting to wonder if there was something wrong with me but as I lay down next to Blaine and he wrapped his arms around me everything finally hit me and I broke down and cried. Blaine didn't say anything he just held me close and let me cry.

I cried for everything that had happened over the weeks and months; losing the lead role of West Side Story to my boyfriend, having my best friend run against me for class president, losing class president to a girl who isn't graduating, Sebastian trying to steal Blaine, Karofsky attempting suicide, arguing with Blaine and nearly losing him because of Chandler, and Rachel getting into NYADA instead of me. I knew I couldn't be mad at Rachel for this but it still hurt a lot and I wasn't in a hurry to talk to her. I would talk to her soon and I'd congratulate her properly and I'd be at the train station to see her off to New York as I stayed in Lima to figure out my plans.

At some point during the night my crying must've slowed down enough for me to get some sleep and when I woke up the next morning Blaine was still there and he had made coffee and breakfast for us both. I smiled up at him as he kissed me and asked me how I was doing.

"I'll be okay," I said quietly, "I think I'm all cried out, for now. Thank you."

We stayed in bed for a while, just lying together. We didn't talk much and, just like before, we didn't need to. Just knowing that he was there to keep me grounded was enough for now. We'd work out the rest later.


End file.
